Recovery 12 steps program
By Amanda Ripsam
My recovery journey
I was not sure to share this or not but encouraged to share my story to maybe at least help one other person.
I take part in a program called celebrate recovery cr for short.
It a 12 step program with worship open share and reflective questions that help guide you to make admens for all of the harm you may have caused others while you were under the influence of addiction.
Our own darkest struggles is our testimony that might help someone else who at where we were.
My addiction was medications over doses and mental health issues left untreated or not treated correctly
Since January I have been reflecting on these past 12 years.
Bella birth was the hardest thing I have ever faced.
Most parents are happy and joyfull and egarly await the birth of their child. I was scared of the future fear stricken even dare I say it paniked. I have a father and 3 siblings with 22q one of my siblings past away when he was 6 years old.
I was fearful as there is zero info out there on what happens when an adult with 22q has a child 22q.
There is not a what to expect when expecting book for people who have genetic material missing from their dna who have kids.
I had no hope after my diagonses. I became obessed with lesrning all I could.I joined so many so called support groups only to be gained up on and pushed aside any time my name is mentioned because people assumed that outwardly I appeared normal but I struggled with undiagonsed issues such as ptsd, adhd and gasteroparises.
I over dosed on sleeping pills 3 times I wanted sleep. 11 years ago I was so sleep deprived and burnt out from exhaustion that I couldn’t continue to go on living. I was having night mares and flash backs of the abuse I have in my past. My own mother is obessed with my health issues and feels guilty for that vs the mental abuse she put me though growing up. My father disowned me yet there’s no denying him because I’m missing a piece of dna that’s something he has as well he also has 22q so there’s no ingoring that.
I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to excape the reality of the torment in my mind. The nightmares and the flash backs from the abusvie man my mother stayed with all those years while I grew up.
I strggle sharing my struggle because people assume I look "normal" and it can not be that bad what I deal with. Fainting, passing out, no sleep because I watched my daughters baby monitor for nights on end even though my hubby said to rest and was loving and supportive. I don’t have enough going on apprently to get the sympthy votes for fooundations to want to support me who supporrt others with this same genetic deletion. I had to form my own support and I’m so glad I did. I found not only one other adult with 22q but many. I also came across other parents some of those parents had kids with multiple kids who had 22q. Some only had one kid out of their multiple kids who have 22q. It’s so random in how it happens but in some cases like mine it can be passed down. People tend to perfer to ingore genetics 101 and the 50/50 chance of passing this disorder on to their child. some like me walk around and didn’t know until they were older.
Our marriage struggled as people could not handle our age and our American and Canadian differences the fiancial pressure and so many other issues being a step mom is not easy. now they are older the bonds are strong but it took a long time to develop that family trust we are open and transparent and tell each other everything but I kept this secret hidden how much mental tourment I was experiencing because I thought I could do it on my own.
We fought through so much to stay together from my diagonses to my daughter 22q and mild cp because I passed out during labor and hemmoraged so bad I almost did not make it.
I had 3 attempts on my life.
I struggled with mental health issues depression aniexity ptsd and then compound with nicu post partuum I was a high risk complex complated pregant women with a child coming who has the same genetic condition.
Dr are clueless but I was not. Let me repeat that Doctors are clueless about this common genetic disorder. Every time I have ever been to the er for over doses and I told an er room dr or nurse staff they had to look it up only to find my own website. There’s something very wrong about that.
My own website is one of the few out there that talks about how 22q effects adutls I show up within the first two pages on google.
My sibling past from 22q my 2 other siblings have 22q my father has 22q who has disowned me but my heavenly father never did he was and still is always there pointing signs shielding me in his arms. Even when the ulglyness of worldly people try to tore me apart.
not only do I understand what 22q is I have fist hand personal experience from my own issues to my daughter having issues to my siblings having issues and my father having issues. I have all sorts of prespectives that will always surpass ANY expert.
I felt like a lost cause and would never amount to anything while others kept pushing me aside because my illness was either too much or not enough for them to comprehend.
I had zero support and had to create my own.
I fit in no where any where I went.
I learn we are born unique fearfully and wonderfully made formed in the image of our creator. Kinted and formed all our days ordained. Spirit is what those dna cells are that form and multiply.
I looked for help my family was my reason which was why there was a second attempt. My second attempt was because I was too stubborn to follow though on treatment exposure theraphy, Dbt and congitive theraphy. Meds diet and exercize. I finally was diagoned with gastroparies and learned how to eat and manage my health in more effective ways by practing mindfullness and sticking with my program.
so many others with 22q feel hopeless. I am 36 with a beautiful family, friends and so many who look up to me. I have a past filled with abuse classifed as tortue as stated in the childrens aid file. I should have been on drugs and living a different life. I have friends ask me how come I never did drugs ect the grace of God. He was always there even in my darkest days. I also did not want to let that man who abused my mother and I to win. He told me I would bounce from foster home to the next and that I could never amount to anything ever!
I decided my story contines...but spirits connections though the people, places and experiences pointed me in protecting paths even when I caused the most harm to myself and my family by trying to end my own life
Tonight I reflect on how far I have come in 11 years. Where I was to where I am now.
I am confident. I can speak and share my story without crying and bursting into a million tears and I can stand up and tell others my boundaries what I will and will not accept or allow. I believe we show others how to treat us. I also never look at my diagosnses as a prograonses any more. 22q can and will do but in our own time and sometimes in our own ways.
I never used street drugs but avoided my feelings, numbing pain with medication and looking for happyiness in all of the wrong places. Medication presciption over dose is not something I am proud of. I am stronger because of all of the threaphy lessons I have experienced, I now am equip to help support others. I am a trained parent mentor and advocate. My child is moving on to middle school and she graduated with honors and 35 absences at school It is by no way easy facing all of life demands.
I even moved from Toronto to Michigan thinking maybe I could avoid my sproblems but moving only created one set of problems for another.
I had to get my heart right and I had to want to be well in order to continue to do well.
That why people who say oh you dont have 22q or yours is not so bad upset me. They do not know the struggles I had to over come. Stopping stigma and ending the cycle of abuse for starters is something I had to endure and face. Adhd, ptsd and gasteroparies but that’s not enough for some. Ear issues ear drumb rupture and seizures when I was younger which my father ingored. how about just being ingored and neglected. Is that not enough to say I have 22q. I appear normal but have you seen my face with out makeup. I look like a pale ghost who looks 12. These so called “experts” really know nothing other then what they have been told. They do not have the experience factor.
There is not much support for adults with 22q let alone for those of us who have a child with 22q. If I had more support while I was pregant ect I could sort out the what ifs and the should of but it me that had to want the help. Sometimes we have to reach rock bottom before we get to the top
This website mommiesquietplace
is in honor of anyone who is at the darkest lowest spot where I was once or who needs a mustard seed of hope. I thank you for your time and support.
for those who bullied me online, pushed me aside and belittled me in those online support groups .
I thank you too you shown me how strong I am and my worth was never in your words i
My 11 year chip celebrate recovery the steps work gotta stick with the program and put the effort and work in.
I may not have issues with drugs or drinking but a mental health relapse is sometimes only one thought away. its up to me to continue to do self care and make the choices.
I hope maybe just maybe my store might encourage someone else
Thanks so much for reading and supporting this website