Speaking in a small group at speakup conference and my experience.
I had so many people ask how did it go?
Here is one of the speeches I wrote and some of my personal feelings about my experiences.
Thank you all for understanding when I asked you to read my experience of how it went on my blog.
I had homework before the conference started and I had to write a devotional.
Psalms 139 :13-16
13) For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
(14) I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
(15) My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
(16) your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Bella had a 4d ultra sound when she was forming inside of me before I gave birth. The reason for the 4d ultra sound was because of the genetic disorder 22q11.2 that we have.
Adam and I went to this ultra sound appointment because I refuse amino testing. However wanted to make sure she was developing along like normal do to the extra embrotic fluid and I was having some issues feeling her move around she basically wasn’t very active, Don’t worry she’s more then made up for it after birth and just today she fully expressed her ablity to be as active as she can be at 8 years old.
Back to the story I shared.
Bella was inside of my stomach I was having extra fluid. Bella blood pump though her lower left ventricle with a extra hole that caused the extra blood to pump stronger.
When Bella was born that extra blood issue resolved on its own!
After Bella was born her heart doctor discharged her in shock and said he sees mysterious things happen often. I had two different second opinions and both of the other doctors discharge her as well.
How grateful we are to know there is a creator even one who creates humans with missing genetic material or additional genetic material. He knew purpose when he created Bella and I with a missing piece of Chromosome and he has a plan for us.
Psalms 139 :13-16 is a bible passage that touches me so close to home. The passage has always been one of my very favorites every since Bella was born.
The very core theory of creation is written in this passage and I wonder how many people feel this way about the God that I know too. Not the big dude in the sky looming over being judgy and all. The spirit, holy spirit what ever you want to call that energy that creates simple cells inside of our bodies that change all the time with out understanding.
This passage is what helped me to have compassion for the reason I was born with a missing genetic chromozone. Searching for self I found spirit energy that creates cells inside of us because God knows each one of us by every fiber and strand, he created us fearfully and made us wonderful.
The function of the digestive tract and the related organs even if they are like mine and develop gasteropaies and causes us pain there is energy that is inside causing it to go bonkers and making things out of wack. Then think about the longevity of the heart some of us can live longer and others not so much but that’s because of spirit energy. We don’t have to like this but if we admit it or not the formation and function of nerves and of blood vessels, the cleansing of the blood through the kidneys, the complexity of the inner and middle ear, the sense of taste and smell, and so many other things we barely understand—each one beyond hauman’s ability to duplicate. Go a head and try for a moment to think how does that simple cell form when the sperm touches that egg. What connects the inner tissues to divide?
Truly, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Simple cells form and develop and inside those cells is a energy that forms those cells inside of those cells. We learn in science class basics but what causes the very small particles to form even looking at light from the sun and moon there’s mystery.
Doctors, scientist and the people who are experts don’t understand exactly what that very small matter is.
I do… I think.
That matter is spirit.
There is no rhyme or reason why I have this disorder and I am not having all of the exact same symptoms that Bella my own child has. There is no explanation it just is and when God created the earth he was done and said as it is when he was done on the sabbath day. Am I just going to accept that with out questioning it ? I do.
The passage reads we are fearfully made!
Fearfully made is meaning we are in awe, inspired, divine. There is no reason to be scared of our creator but we are in awe of our creator we don’t even fully understand or grasp that energy inside that simple cell that forms us that causes us to have missing chromozone or additional chromozones, we understand the simpleness of x and y but do we understand what forms the insides of the x an y inside of those small simple cells that start it all inside our mothers womb while we are form.
Imagine me standing up in front of the small group of women I was with, we were sitting in a half circle around each other offering support as each of us spoken our speeches.
As I started my speech I was scared to death I could hardly get the first part of my speech out and I was shaking and wanted to run away.
I stopped… One breath, Two breath and paused and explained. I had to put down my notes clearly the only way I was going to get out of my head that night any of my thoughts was not where I was headed because I needed to really get this message there to someone in this group why or who I will not ever understand that feeling inside of me I just took a big breath and started speaking with everyone in my small group.
I believe this is spirit the holy spirit that’s a part of life it’s self a different passage scripture for another day with out sounding too preachy.
The spirit pushed me to put those notes down I sure didn’t want to but I did.
I am not to be scared, I am fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image even if his image isn’t to my liking or anyone else.
That was my second night, my first night was when I introduced myself people in the small group listen and were shocked as I read my story that I share here on my blog I just shorten it up and it went past the 3 minutes max it went 6 I was so scared reading and I shook too that night and my voice wouldn’t come out any more then a whisper.
That was the easy part.
The hardest part for me was small talk sitting at the tables in the conference. I didn’t feel like I fit in I felt out of place.
People at the conference reacted like I needed to be carded when I told them I was 32. over and over from one person to the next I got reactions of shock.
I shocked them when I said parts of my story and I hadn’t even gotten to the good stuff it was just small simple talk. Small simple talk that scares the living day lights out of me. Why do I have this image issue I will never know. Maybe it was from when one of the jerky kids at school back in 7 grade told me I belonged to the lower level elementary side with the 4th graders, maybe it’s from everyone who has the need to stop me and say my you look so young when I am kissing my husband in public or doing mommy things in a women’s bathroom with my daughter or taking her to this place or that place alone.
Small simple talk with people even nice people is something that I hate doing you know how it goes Hi what’s your name? where are you from? That stuff was on my name tag everyone still asked why ??
what do you do for a living? I am a stay at home mom. I am a 32 year old married mom and step mom I stay at home and I am CAN’T EVEN GET PAST MY AGE ! (yelling because that’s frustration) Why would spirit nudge me to go to this event if people can’t get past my appearance and see who I am with out first thinking oh she looks so young almost too young to have a story to share I bet it’s going to be cute with stories about people she knows. WRONG!!! I write my story I write my truth.
Their responses crack me up each time sometimes I try very hard to keep those inside laughs to myself but a few people I was actually able to fully trust and talk about how it made me feel.
I was so tired by the last day that feeling like they were looking at me like I didn’t have experience because of their judgements based off my appearance was emotionally getting the best of me.
I tell my story and it’s hard it’s sad and they see I’m not hard, I’m not sad sure I have moments but I was shaking during most of my time at the conference like this little girl was trying to climb out of my throat ready to shut down everything I was trying to speak.
Anxiety sucks my loving God that created me made some crappy things but I can’t deny that energy that builds all of those cells. I can’t deny my worth because then I would be denying who I am made in Christ and I refused to shrink because I made others uncomfortable. I wasn’t as young as they thought I was, and I left feeling I may not matter to many people who didn’t get a chance to know me because my young looking face wasn’t approachable for them to relate with! but those were not the people I needed to share my truth with.
I walked away from the conference feeling whole because I was going back to my normal. I was okay to just simply look younger and it is okay here. It’s how I was formed with all of those simple cells inside of me.
My high light was sharing my speech, meeting new friends but mostly my highlight was…
I did it! I pushed pasted my fear I listen to the inner internal gut gps that nudge that spirit that puts me in the places that is not my zone. My zone is not speaking it’s writing and rambling on but look at me! I DID It and it’s over and I made it out in one piece infact I made it out with more confidence than I have ever had and I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel comfortable expressing things that are hard. I understand that if people don’t like what I share it’s okay we are not created for everyone to like us. My looking young just simply rubbed some people the wrong way. That’s okay too.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I have worth because I’m created by spirit.
I am so thankful for this experience I made friends outside of internet land the people who got past my looks and took the time to know me.
I had a great time feeling emotions if you had asked me to go a few years ago I would have felt numb then maybe the age thing wouldn’t have been such a issue for me internally. I wasn’t ready for this kind of thing. I was not okay then like I am now. I didn’t have the lessons I learned going though the hard stuff now that the hard stuff is over and life is stable I am ready to be myself. I am ready to share my story and I did. I learn I can write and I can speak and I do a lot better with out notes.
People change and grow just like those simple cells and spirit is what makes us.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made.